Fire and Water

It's hard for me to put my finger on. Self analyzing myself, or trying to, I wonder if I'm just a narcisistic asshole. I mean really, if I'm commited, I'm likely to be in a bad mood, can't let things go, and am watching the invisible clock tick down on the relationship until the buzzer goes off, the straw falls on our relationship camel's back and the house of cards falls down. Cuz damn it, that's what it is... a sham. I'm not in it for the kids, I'm not in it for the sex, and I'm not in it for any reason I can see other than companionship and, well, scratch what I said about sex earlier, but not in the way you all have sex. I can't blow my load. Paralysis is a blessing in disguise really. I would blow my wad in seconds, jealous of the stamina of the minute man, but now that my limp bizkit stays beneath my boxer-briefs, I can choose a dream cock from the bed-side shelf? It's like a menu: glass, rubber, vibrating... well those are three options, but much more appealing to my eager gopher who would pop up for a split second, chirp out it's mating call and dive back down. No second rounds hunny-buns. No girl ever said, "wow, I must have really turned you on, I'm so satisfied!" I got a couple of, "Oh, no, it's okay, it felt good while it lasted", but really, I would beat myself up more than any scowling bitch would ever do. But that's not what I'm here to blog about. I'm thinking about my last relationship. She was a red haired pisces and seemed to have drifted down from heaven just to perk up my self esteem as well as my appetite for some hot action (remember the menu?). She was only 20, and I'm 30, yet I marvel that I've never dated a girl who could legally drink yet. But, being supersticious, as one of my former girlfriends got me hooked on Astrology, I wondered if a watery Pisces could mix with a firey Leo. I had tried it before and it ended disasterously in a matter of weeks. Fortunately, me and Red lasted a year and a half. I broke up with her right around Christmas because she seemed to argue as much as me. Neither one of us could be the "bigger person" and back down from our point of view for the sake of the relationship. We had talked about it and even tried to create "safe phrases" that either one of us could utter to end any fight. We tried saying, "Okay, let's agree to disagree", but it never worked. Nothing worked. But now that we're all broke up and she's with her X again I find myself drawn to her. She comes over now and we don't argue. We might for a second or two, but then it fizzles out. She says it's because we don't really see each other often enough and that she doesn't really care about sticking to her guns because I'm not her boyfriend. This boggles my brain! wtf? Got to shoot your boyfriend down, but if it's not your boyfriend, well then fuck it? Shit yo, in that case, let's unofficially hook-up and you can stay with your X and we can get-it-on. Yes, I actually asked her if that would be cool, but unfortunately, she's fucking him now, and alas, though I don't see any ethical, moral or superior qualities to monogamy, I won't be the dick that fucks some other guy over. It's happened to me and crushed me. But today, well, eh hmmm. Did I mention I'm in a wheelchair? So she wanted to get her math book on Amazon and was amazed to see that Elementary and Intermediate Algebra Edition 4 was online for $13 compared to the college bookstore price of $150. But she needed to enter her debit card and set up an account and wasn't familiar with the whole online finance thing so I helped her out. My lap has always been a welcome seet for her. She was concerned that the book might not be the right edition when it came so she wanted me to do the final click and finalize the purchase, and tried to grab my hand and force me to click, so I grabbed her belt loops. Ah those hips. She ended up clicking, but I kept my hands on her waiste and hips under her shirt. We're comfortable with one another and she would rock her hips back and forth suggestively while we watched a couple youtubes. God damn that grass looked greener now that it's her X's property. And yes, I will respect the No Tresspassing sign posted on her crotch. But damn it all, it's strange, I feel like I could hook up, enjoy myself and have not regrets, but if she was my girlfriend and hooked up with her current boyfriend (or anyone else), well now, that would be it. I'd give her the boot and never want to see her again. Isn't that strange? Ownership. Think about it... in the mean time, I'll dream about fuck buddies and tread cautiously when I think about hooking up with another water sign.